My brother Francis George Focke died at home in Rancho Cucamonga, California on April 22 in the early months of the 2020 coronavirus pandemic.
When he died, I was out walking in the rain in Seattle. Toward the end of my walk I passed a large camellia tree that seemed to have dropped most of its flowers all at once just before I got there—red camellias all over the ground and sidewalk under my feet. Our family’s house in Claremont, the last place that Frank and our whole immediate family—parents, brothers, and grandmother—lived together, was surrounded by camellias.
Frank died of an aggressive lung cancer that seemed to come up quickly. He’d been a smoker most of his life. I first learned of his cancer when he called to tell me of the diagnosis about a week and a half before he died. It wasn’t until four or five days later that I realized just how much pain he was in. He didn’t talk about his feelings easily (health or otherwise) and avoided focusing on himself. He had planned to have an initial chemo treatment on April 22 and even had a port put in. But on April 20, he just couldn’t bear the pain and discomfort any longer. With his wife Barb, he decided to cancel treatment and let the cancer take its course. His last few days were difficult, but Barb, who was with him, told me he died peacefully, for which I’m grateful.
It was hard not to be there. The miles and the virus kept me away. I was so glad to learn that our brother Ross was able to visit on the evening before Frank died. Seeing Ross again had been one of Frank’s last wishes.
Frank didn’t want any kind of memorial to celebrate his life or mark his passing except a plaque with his name at the cemetery. All the same, memories of him have appeared here and there. Making up for the lack of a formal obituary, I’ve cobbled together a few memories.
A bit of a cut-up and clown, “Frank-o” was my “middle-est” brother in a string of brothers, whose names will always roll easily off my tongue in chronological order – Fred, Ted, Frank, Karl, Ross. I came along between Fred and Ted for a total of six. The family moved to San Diego in 1945, and Frank was born there in Mercy Hospital in 1948. A collage of photos from about 1957 that I spotted on Frank’s wall shows Mom and Dad with all us minus Fred, who, ten years older, must have been away. Frank is at the lower right.
All of us, along with our grandmother, lived for about fifteen years in a two-story house on Mount Soledad in San Diego, surrounded on the back by hillsides of sagebrush and a valley with a chicken ranch and a dairy farm at the bottom. In front we were connected by dirt roads to nearby friends, a cactus ranch, and flower farmers. It was a great place to be young, perfect for building hide-outs, bringing baby chicks home, learning how to get lost and found again. The family moved north to Claremont in 1959, and except for Fred we all attended and graduated from Claremont High School.
An “In Memory” entry on Claremont High School’s Alumni Society website includes year-book photos of Frank (class of 1966) and comments from fellow classmates who described him as “such a great guy and so quiet and gentle,” “nice and friendly,” and “one of the good guys.” To inform their mutual friends, Ross posted a notice of Frank’s death on his Facebook page. It included a photo with this caption: “My brother Frank at boot camp in the Marines 1967. He was a helicopter mechanic in the Vietnam War close to the DMZ. He was proud, he was a Marine.” He was nineteen.
A clipping included on the Alumni site and probably published in the Claremont Courier, reported “Marine Lance Cpl. Francis G. Focke, 20, is serving with Heavy Helicopter Unit 462 in the 1st Marine Aircraft Wing in Vietnam. His unit operates several hundred aircraft including fighters, attack and reconnaissance craft, and helicopters. The Wing last year was awarded a Presidential Citation for combat achievements.”
Lance Corporal in the Marines is equivalent to a Private First Class in the Army. I remember Frank telling me, a few years after he returned, that he was rather proud of not rising to a higher rank during the years he served. He did his job, did it well, and kept his head down.
Before he died, Frank sent a box containing a few items from his Marine days to Heather, his favorite granddaughter, more accurately, a step-granddaughter who came into his life through his second wife, Priscilla. One of the items in the box was a large coin. Research identified it as a Vietnam Veterans Welcome Home Challenge Coin.
Ross’s Facebook post attracted comments from family and mutual friends. Some of them knew him from the days, after the Marines, that he spent as a bartender at the Midway Tavern, between Claremont and Upland on Route 66. Michael wrote:
That Marine Mentality would come FLASHING to the surface from time to time. One night a fight broke out at the Midway and I was sitting at the middle table between the front wall and the pool table. One of the fighters spotted me and came RUNNING towards me. I was thinking ‘Oh man, the shit’s ON,’ when I heard this metallic clank right above my head. There was Frank standing right behind me. He had grabbed one of those metal folding chairs and snapped it into the folded position and he was IN THE STANCE, holding inches from the guy’s face.
Frank was always there for me.
Other Facebook posts with brief memories and condolences came from cousins, his first wife Lupe, and other old friends from Claremont, including Ruth, who added this picture of Frank pouring beer at the Midway.
Frank lived with alcoholism and went on the wagon at least 30 years ago. A few years after he quit, he told me the craving never stopped, but whenever the desire got hard to handle, he’d tell himself, “You can have a beer tomorrow.” And, as far as I know, that tomorrow never came..
In 1998 Frank and Priscilla moved to Casa Volante, a 55+ mobile home park in Rancho Cucamonga right off Route 66. At 50, he wasn’t old enough to live there on his own, but Priscilla qualified. Casa Volante is a quiet park with winding streets, about 200 homes (which they call coaches), a clubhouse with a small swimming pool, and many trees and plantings that soften the park’s landscape. Frank had been able to buy a coach with proceeds from our mother’s estate, which helped sustain their quiet, carefully frugal lifestyle.
Priscilla died in 2003, and it wasn’t long before Frank and Priscilla’s good friend Barb found each other. They married in October 2005 at poolside behind the clubhouse, surrounded by friends from the park and beyond.
When they were much younger, Frank and our brother Ross worked together on small construction and maintenance projects for home and garden. Frank carried his skill along with an inborn concern and care for others to Casa Volante, and he was known in the neighborhood for fixing toilets, hanging blinds, patching roofs, and running monthly pancake breakfasts and weekly bingo games. He was hired as the park’s assistant manager in 2012.
On one of my visits, I participated in a bingo game. Frank pulled out the large, rolling mechanical bingo board, set up the long tables and all the folding chairs in the main clubhouse room, and brought out the individual bingo cards and pencils. Without much fuss, he ran the show. The room was jammed, every seat taken. I was embarrassingly lucky that day, winning about 27 dollars. Some of my loot I shared with Frank and Barb, and the rest I contributed back to the bingo pot to start the next week’s game.
In their June 2020 message to park residents, Dan and Lou, resident managers, said, “Frank was a fixture in the Park and I still keep expecting him to walk into the office to fill us in on things he observed while on one of his many daily walks.” A remembrance of him filled the other side of the newsletter: Assistant Manager – All Around Handy Man – Our Friend. “Frank was always there for residents: locked out, call Frank; leaky faucet, call Frank; need groceries, call Frank need your dog walked, call Frank. If he could do it, he would. Rest in Paradise, Frank.”
He clearly played a big role in creating community there. He leaves a huge hole in many lives. In a phone call a few weeks after he died, Barb told me that flowers were filling their home. She described one bouquet that had been carefully crafted to incorporate a dismantled piece of the big bingo board. Maybe there were even camellias.
Wonderful tribute, Anne, you made Frank so vivid… sounds like he made life better for a lot of people. A good guy. My condolences. So hard to lose a sibling. May he be of blessed memory.
What a lovely tribute, Anne, and the Focke family pix are wonderful. Although your lives apparently had very different trajectories, kindness, generosity and community-building are hallmarks of both his life and yours.
Thanks for sharing his story.
Beautiful, Anne. If more people lived like Frank, we’d all be better off.
Lovely tribute, Anne. And fun to see what you look in grey (hair)! It’s been so long. Love, Lucy
Condolences to you and your family on the loss of your sweet brother, Frank. Thank you for sharing a beautiful tribute. I”m sorry the suddenness and pandemic made things even more difficult. It sounds like one of his strengths was touching many lives positively and frequently – along with being humble. Rest In Peace, Frank.
Anne,
Thank you for sharing this about your brother Frank. A loving gift to him, and to all who loved him. My love to you.
Thanks for sharing the story of your brother. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so beautiful, Anne. I feel as if I had the chance to meet Frank. Sending my love to you at this sad time.
Nicely done Anne. Thanks for sharing the story. Frank was exactly my age so his path is one I can understand. Vietnam of course was the dividing line for men of my generation. Seeing him move from helmeted recruit to long-haired and bearded is what happened for so many of us. I somehow found the support and strength to refuse the war. No regret there but it was all so long ago and like your old family photos, the memories are oddly disjunct, of another era, fading. Bon voyage Frank.
Anne, what a beautiful tribute to your brother to be sharing with us. You’ve done us a favor yet again
A lovely tribute to your brother. I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a good guy.
so sorry to hear of this loss but grateful to you for the telling of his life’s story. I’m sure it’s just a piece of it given all that you touched on. This is a gift to his memory and your place in it.
This was such a respectful and heartfelt tribute as well as a simply lovely remembrance. What came through was a life lived simply and lovingly and clearly with much courage and determination. The world could use many many more Franks. Thank you, Anne.
Sorry for the passing of your brother, Frank. The falling of the beautiful camellias is a sign he is in good hands. Take care.
Anne, Such a lovely and loving tribute to your dear brother. I am glad to know of him, through you. Sending condolences and love, Polly
Anne:
Thank you very much for this.
Although we never met, I feel that his spirit comes through swimmingly.
Jerry Yoshitomi
Thanks Anne. Frank’s lovely spirit shines through.
Anne, what a beautiful tribute and thank you for sharing. I love seeing all the wonderful photos of Frank and your other brothers. Frank was kind and generous to his community, attributes that are so consistent with you and Ross and surely all of your brothers. Sending love your way.
Thank you dear Anne for bringing Frank alive for us. This is a loving tribute and I sense it captures the essence of dear Frank-o, and something of your family.
Love Anne
Thank you Anne for sharing this story of your brother Frank’s life. It sounds like he was a very nice guy. I wish you the best.
Love,
Carl Smool
I learned so much about your family-you and your brothers.
Your story allows Frank’s spirit to survive.
Loss is inevitable and difficult.
I wish you good health.
Sherry Markovitz
Thanks so much for sharing your brother with us. Sounds like he was a person we would like to have known. Also nice to learn more of your family history. Was Claremont a city of its own or an area of San Diego? My cousin lived in Claremont in San Diego and I spent many a summer at his home and in the surrounding canyons. He went to Claremont High School and would have been in the class of about 1957 or 1958.
Anne,
What a wonderful story about your brother. Like the others who commented here, I now feel like I met Frank. Or at least, I wish I could have. It’s a beautiful mini-memoir, and I thank you again for helping me with mine. Big hugs from NYC…and now Long Island.
Ed
Hello Anne,
The sudden loss of a sibling is not something that most of us anticipate, unlike the loss of a parent. Your memories of Frank are familiar echoes, thanks for sharing. Best wishes as you adapt to your new reality.
jamie
Thank you, Anne, for sharing your brother with us. I’m so sorry he is gone, but it’s obvious the effects of his gentle touch remain. You write an affecting portrait of a modest man; both words count; it can be hard to find that integrity these days. When you lose a brother or sister, the world shifts. Take care of yourself. Love, Shash
Wonderful story, Anne. I loved hearing about his life.
I’m sorry to learn of your sad and unexpected loss, Anne. I suspect Frank and your brothers knew just how special you are. Your remembrance, starting with those gorgeous fallen camellia blossoms, tells a touching story of Frank and your family. Sending you my love.
Heather De Hoog, Frank’s granddaughter mentioned in the story, sent a text with one of many stories of Frank she intends to write down:
One of my friends was out in Malibu the other day and was so surprised to come across an ostrich farm. She asked me as someone who’s been working in the animal field for 14 years now if i have ever heard of this. And i couldn’t help but think back to when Frank used to pick me up from school and we’d swing by the one down the street from school and just watch these crazy creatures. Every time we would go i was in such awe of them. It was so nice to be able to say yes I know of such a place but I didn’t learn about them through my experience with animals. I learned about them back in kindergarten on our drive home.
Thanks so much, Heather, for sharing your story!
I feel like I know your brother. Thank you for telling his story. Sending you and your family my love and prayers.
Frank’s granddaughter Heather just sent a photo of Frank holding her son, Logan, in 2017. They both look so happy.
5May1967
Charles Stewart Lacy 1948-1977(murdered)
Frances G Focke 1948-2020
Donald P Foltz 1948-
Michael T Adams 1948-
We signed up together and arrived at Marine Corps Boot Camp San Diego CA.
Don an I went to Don Bosco Technical Institue in S. San Gabriel for high school.
I lived in Claremont since 1952 an met Stewart’Dusty’ and Frank via The Village Idiot leather store on First street.
Stewart ended up in heavy artillery.
Frank and Don in Helo’s…Don was a door gunner and shot down once.
I ended up going to several schools and working electronics on A4/F4/A6/OV10….airplanes
We all did our 12-13 months ‘in country’ VN
Stewart is buried at Oak Park Cemetary, Claremont…next to his parents. IF there is still a ‘superglue lump holding a Purple Heart&VN Ribbon’ on his headstone, I put it there.
I saw Frank irregularly over the years as I (1976-2019) became an RN/NP and worked in numerous states and came ‘home’ to see family.
A few days ago I did another web search and was able to locate Don, we live about an hour apart outside of DFW Texas.
I did another search and found this site informing me about Frank.
My and Don’s condolences to his family.
He is missed.
Sincerely,
CSHR
see comment above
I have no idea what else what you want from me.
since it’s been awhile without any further comment I don’t expect any but thought you might like to know something of your brother from those who knew him in a ‘different manner’.
PS…..the ‘CSHR’ was a nickname from VN when I had ‘duty’ for 30 days, of nightly emptying the 8 hole outhouse effluent….got overrun by ravenous rats one night and them and I had a war running around chasing each other and me starting fires…..got loud and seen by some who gave me the nickname “you’re Crazier than those Shit House Rats aka CSHR”
looks like the machine lost my REAL comments and published the above note so here:
5May1967
Charles Stewart Lacy 1948-1977 (murdered)
Francis G Focke 1948-2020
Donald Pickering Foltz 1948-
Michael Thomas Adams 1948-
We enlisted and went to bootcamp in San Diego on this date above.
Stewart was artillery and wounded at Khe San and discharged. He is buried at Oak Park Cemetery in Claremont and should have a ‘giant superglue blob encasing the purple heart and VN service ribbons’ I placed glued to his ‘name only’ headstone.
I found Don via a recent ‘web search’ and found we live about an hour apart in DFW area of TX, he was the station boss for trains transferring loads in Chicago for many years.
I became an RN and NP over the years working in multiple states, and would see Frank irregularly as I came back to Claremont to see my mom.
We are sorry to hear of Frank’s death and happy to know he had a good life.
Frank was indeed “one of the good guys”. He was my “part time” big brother when we lived with you in Claremont. That was a terrible and wonderful time in my life. Frank came to one of my Texas family reunions and organized a guys golf tournament. He took my Jeffery and treated him like his own ( Marc was working out of state). That was a great time and maybe the last time I saw him. We were birthday buddies as mine is the 23rd. I think our moms gave us presents to each other. He was also. Washington’s Birthday. He has not and never will be forgotten.